Andy's Garden: Year Two

It's that time again! Yup, time for our second installment of Andy's Gardening Tips or The Anal Perfectionist's Guide to Gardening.

1.) Spend hours agonizing exactly what and where and how much of each plant to grow. Settle on pumpkins, lettuce, carrots, strawberries, onions, garlic, peas, beans, cucumbers, zucchini, bell peppers, jalapeno peppers, & tomatoes because you don't want to tackle "too much" for your second-ever gardening attempt. Throw in basil at the last minute for good measure.

2.) Start seeds indoors while the snow is still piled high outside. Line the kitchen counters with seed boxes and point every spare lamp in the house in their general direction.

3.) Painstakingly measure and remeasure the area you intend for a garden. Post stakes to mark the dimensions. When you think your wife isn't looking, move stakes outward several times so you eventually double your original space.

4.) Award your In-Laws the In-Law of the Year Award when they bring you 2 giant tubs and 5 buckets full of horse poop for fertilizer. That stuff is practically gold.

5.) Wrestle with this beast once again. Contemplate getting an ox and plow next year.

The Behemoth

6.) Plant. Worry endlessly through ever spring storm about the welfare of your fragile baby plants.

7.) Mutter unintelligibly like Yosemite Sam and chase down any rabbit that happens to set a furry paw in the back yard. Even if in the middle of dinner you have to drop your fork and dash outside like a madman to teach some nosy rabbit a lesson.

8.) Spend more time grooming and caring for your plants than a teenage girls spends grooming and primping in front of the mirror.

9.) Measure your first baby pumpkin on a daily basis. Keep a log of pumpkin's growth. Name her after one of the Golden Girls just to amuse your wife.

Blanche the Baby Pumpkin 

10.) Eye your monstrous zucchini plants and sprawling green beans and consider that you may possibly have overdid it.
Just a tad.