On Retired Spiny Dogfish and Big Chickens...

If you have followed this blog for very long, you know I like to play fast and loose with my adoption waiting period metaphors.

Spiny dogfish may have been involved on more than one occasion.

But the truth is that years have passed and that metaphorical dogfish has had 9 babies, 42 grandkids, and retired to the warm coastal waters of Florida to live out her days in ease. Even her ridiculously long gestation period can no longer be compared to our adoption journey.

It's been 5 years and we're still waiting.

And then we get the call from our agency, the call we've suspected was coming for some time now. Because of an "insurmountable climate of corruption" within the Ethiopian government and a lack of any central authority to ensure ethical adoption practices, our agency has decided to phase out their Ethiopian adoption program.

And just like that, it's over.

To say we were devastated would be an over-simplification. We believed we had a God-given vision for our family and now that dream was dead.

Our adoption agency was allowing all families from the Ethiopian program to transfer to another program and waiving all the initial fees. Andy and I prayed over these countries, night after night. For months, we wrestled with the decision. China? Bulgaria? Mexico? Oh Lord, what are you doing? What do you want from us? We don't understand.

And night after night, God's answer was: Do nothing.

Months passed. Our agency's deadline came and went and we obeyed. We did nothing and it made no sense.

On October 28th, weeks before the phone call that ended it all, I had written a blog post with these words:
Because no matter what, my Jesus can redeem ALL things. Even long waits, lost dreams, and changed plans. He works it ALL out for good and He is moving, even when we cannot see it. 

So the real question became, did we believe that or not? Did we believe that if our adoption story ended right here, that He could still redeem it for good? Did we trust Jesus with our lost dreams? Did we trust Him to write the happy ending, however He saw fit?

Honestly, part of me desperately wanted to be done with adoption. My heart was broken. I was done with the waiting, fed up with governments, sick of the waste of money, and tired of our family being put on hold. I secretly wished God would just pat us on the back and say: Good job. Way to hang in there. You can quit now. 

But he didn't.

Weeks after our agency deadline passed, we received an email that they were opening an experimental pilot program in Burundi, Africa and our family had a spot in that program, if we wanted it.

And God said: This is why you were waiting.

I have a secret to tell you. Deep down, under all the adoption rhetoric and hopeful blog posts, we are really just Great Big Chickens. Truly. We are terrified. What if two years from now we end up right back here with our hearts broken again? OR what if we *gulp* actually bring a needy, desperate little African boy home to meet his big sisters? Honestly, both scenarios make us want to run away as fast as we possibly can.

But today, at this moment, we lean into Jesus and we choose to brave.

And tomorrow, we will pray for the strength to do the same.

Please pray for us friends. We're just two chickens trying desperately to follow where our Savior leads.

(Stay tuned for Burundi 101.)